I’m still here, not giving up yet. Day one. Taking this week one hour at a time.
I made an announcement this morning to my partner that I was taking a short break from drinking and I got the “Oh, we’ll see how that goes this weekend.” Not very supportive, but what can I expect. If my past is any prediction of the future then…
So I enter Day 2, with lots of determination and willpower.
So rather than just give up and let alcohol win this battle, I’ve decided to commit to small periods of sobriety. I think this will help the voice in my head that keeps reminding me there is no way I can ever COMPLETELY give up alcohol (although I know this is the only solution).
Today is Day 1, and I commit to 11 days of sobriety. I’ve been listening to the audible book “Grit” by Angela Duckworth. This is the perfect time for me to exam my own grit level and step up my game (great book by the way).
I haven’t officially formulated my plan yet to stay sober through this upcoming weekend, but I’ll be working on it this week. Happy sober Tuesday to everyone.
I’m contemplating a lot of shitty things in my life right now. Just to name a few: depression, insomnia, weight gain, inability to focus, lack of motivation and direction in life, a general feeling of overall blah. And still…I cannot imagine my life without booze. But I also cannot imagine this is the life I was meant to live.
So I made it through 5 days sober last week and then I was faced with the weekend. The damn weekends, they are so hard to navigate. I planned not to drink, but I subconsciously knew when I woke up on Saturday morning I wasn’t 100% committed to the idea of sobriety on Halloween. When I woke up Sunday morning with a bit of a hangover I vowed I would begin my sober week right then and there. I made it through the offerings of bloodmarys and beer throughout the first half of the day and then I caved in the late afternoon. “What the fuck” hit and it was down hill.
New day, new resolve, time to try something different. I’ve got to stop circling the drain.
I read this today:
The scientists at Penn State say, “Alcohol disrupts the normal flow of neurotransmitters across the cortex’s synaptic connections, and we enter an altered state. The first thing we lose at this stage are our inhibitions which our sober cortex would usually keep in check. Then we become more talkative and our better judgment begins to leave.”
I like to call it “Waking up with shame and regret over things I did and shouldn’t have said.”
I went to bed sober last night, my third in a row. I had the opportunity to drink yesterday after the lunch hour when the group I was with started having a few. Luckily, I didn’t even feel like drinking since I’ve been battling a bit of a cold. Secondly, I’ve never been a fan of starting to drink in the early afternoon because it makes me lethargic and usually leads to an all day drunk kind of thing. I have no plans to drink tonight or tomorrow because of my work schedule. Hopefully that will give me 5 sober days leading into the weekend. It sure feels good to wake up sober, even if I have the sniffles.
I got through my day one yesterday, but it’s actually not a REAL day one to me because it was a work day where my schedule doesn’t even allow me to drink. Nonetheless, I was sober the entire day yesterday and I will be sober today as well.
I had some pretty bad drinking episodes this past month that kinda scared the shit out of me. The kind that make me think, “What the fuck are you doing to yourself?” I still don’t know if I can grasp onto the idea of NEVER drinking again, but I am trying to get a sober string together before I lose myself forever.
I’m so frustrated with myself. How is it that I swear off alcohol after waking up with shameful anxiety and guilt in the middle of the night over my hollow life, then allow myself to be talked into drinking by 11 am? I feel like I’ve fallen into a deep hole and cannot climb out. I’m leaving the weekend behind me and starting new today.